PETER, PETER, PUMPKIN EATER

For the last play of my freshman year at Wesleyan, the Drama Department decided to mount a portable production of Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater.  Our tech director had designed a unique collapsible pumpkin so that we could take the play on tour to elementary schools throughout Georgia.  We would pack up the pumpkin and the costumes, pile into a big bus and off we would go to amuse the little ones. When we read the script, we were even more in favor of this idea because Peter, Peter..... was quite remarkably naughty, not in a way that children would understand, but that dopey college kids would find hilarious.  And we did. 

 I played Peter's grandmother and one of my deathless lines was "Little Peter needs a wife!  He's had to play with himself all day!"  There were many lines asking the question, "What shall we do with little Peter?"  As little Peter was played by an intense heartthrob of 21, there were many girlish conversations having to do with what we would like to do with  little Peter who was a day student with a car.   But back to the Peter tour.

Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater

Our first stop was a school so small that our big orange pumpkin took up the entire stage.  The grand piano was pushed offstage to a space so tiny that when we exited, there was no place to go so we had to lie under the piano until it was time to enter again.  This did not work well.  If we exited stage right, there was no place to go but out the door to the school hallway.  As there were no dressing rooms, we had been led to the children's restrooms where we changed in front of....well.....the children who were naturally fascinated.

"You have big boobs," said one little girl to Peter's wife who did indeed have big boobs.  We immediately averted our eyes only to see someone else in their blue underpants.  Being the grandmother, I had to spray my hair silver which caused all the wee girls in the bathroom to want to spray their hair silver which I would not allow.

At one point during the performance Peter's wife hides from her new husband.  Little Peter searched everywhere but could not find his wife.  This was difficult to pull off as the entire audience was shouting, "She's right there behind the pumpkin!"  "Peter, Peter, look over there!"  I was lying under the grand piano at the time, but of course could hear the excited shouting very well.  People in Valdosta probably heard it.  Little Peter at last found his new wife and they went to live in the huge collapsible pumpkin where they lived happily ever after.  Our curtain call was met with wild, protracted applause from all the kids.  Our costumes were filthy from lying on the floor under the piano and my big silver bun had come undone.  Peter's pants were torn which he gamely tried to hide (apparently he was not Little Peter after all.)

On the bus ride back to Macon we sat, dazed and exhausted.  We had to do this five more times!  And we could hardly wait.

DUMB AND NAIVE IN 1960

The House of Bernarda Alba was over and I had left the passionate Adela behind me.  Rosalind had moved out, taking with her all 68 pairs of shoes, as well as the beautiful bedspreads and curtains.  I looked around my bare little room and was aghast.  I have never been a minimalist when it comes to decorating; I like warm and cozy and, yes, a bit cluttered.  Alas, my room now looked like a cell in a women's prison only not as pretty.

I had become good friends with another drama major also named Linda who lived across the hall.  Little did I know then that we would still be close friends over 50 years later.  Linda surveyed my barren enclosure with its bare walls and its one overhead light and radiated sympathy.  She knew I had no money to buy anything as she frequently gave me toothpaste and shampoo.

"Well, maybe you could get some of the posters from our plays and hang them on the walls," said Linda helpfully.

"And maybe I could take some pink table cloths from the dining hall and hang them up for curtains."  We laughed.

Then she said, "We'll room together next year, okay?"

"Okay! said I cheerfully and in my head I thought thank God.  "I have a blind date tonight with an older man.  I think he's 21.  I've never been on a blind date, but how bad could it be?"  Linda looked dubious.

Chad was muscular, good looking and excruciatingly boring.  He talked about football, his fraternity, his car and his madras jacket.  It was immediately clear that I was not his type.   Soon, even Chad became bored with his talk and I could tell our date was nearing its end.

"Come on, Darlin', I'll drive you back to campus," said boring Chad and ushered me quickly out the door of the Pinebrook.  He was silent during the brief ride back to Wesleyan and I started blathering on about being a drama major which Chad thought was hilarious.  He parked in a deserted spot on campus, far from the loggia, and said, "Are you passionate, Darlin'?"

"Oh, I....I don't think so," I said although I suspected I might be.

He immediately started kissing me way too hard and way too long.  At one point early on he took my hand and put it on what felt like a piece of wood with fabric on it.  What in the world was that?  His next move was to put his hand on my bare knee and slide it quickly up my thigh.  At last alarm bells went off and I pulled away.  My mouth felt bruised.

"Well, Chad, thank you for a lovely evening.  I have to go in now.  Good night."

Chad was disgruntled.  "I thought you were going to let me go all the way."

"We all make mistakes, Chad.  Bye, bye."

Chad gunned the motor and roared off into the night and I walked very fast to the safety of the loggia.  It took me years to figure out what the piece of wood covered with fabric was.

A HOUSE MADE OF CANDY IN THE ENCHANTED FOREST Part II

EVILYN, WICKED WITCH

"What?" said Hansel and Gretel in unison.

"That old woman you think is being so lovely to you and giving you candy is actually Evilyn, a very wicked witch and another unfortunate relative of our beautiful mother, the Queen of the Forest Fairies," said Annalisa.

"I don't think there's much family resemblance," said Gretel.  "This old lady is really, REALLY ugly!"

"But very sweet," said Hansel, cutting in quickly.  "She gave us a lovely meal last night and soft beds to sleep on."

"We're going home in a little while, but I wanted to eat as much candy as I could before we left.  There's never much to eat at our house," said Gretel, sucking on a raspberry lollipop.

"You're quite a greedy little girl, aren't you?" said Arabella, who was miffed because she had not been offered any candy whatsoever.

"Yes, I am," said Gretel complacently.

"Good morning, dear little children!" said Evilyn, making a sudden and dramatic entrance.  "I have been cooking a lovely breakfast for you two," she said with an enormous toothless grin.  Then she spied the fairy twins and the smile vanished.  "Who are you two?"

"How peevish you are this morning, Great Aunt Evilyn!" said foolhardy Annalisa.  "Are you not feeling well, my dear?"

"And WHO are you cooking for breakfast this fine morning?  Anyone we know?" said foolish Arabella, batting her long eyelashes.

Evilyn inspected the sisters with narrowed eyes.  "Let me guess...you are the naughty progeny of my niece, the Queen of the Forest Fairies."

"Yes, we are!" said the twins in unison.

"They told us you were going to fatten us up and then eat us!!" said Gretel.  "Is that true?"

Evilyn shot the twins a look so evil that they should have been frightened to death.  But then she turned to Hansel and Gretel and laughed merrily.  "Of course, it's not true, Little Ones.  Why how ridiculous you little girls are to believe such a tale.  I'm guessing that your witty mother came up with that one--she was always so.....so.....creative!"

The sisters looked at one another and then at Hansel and Gretel.  Could their mother have been joking?  Or trying to scare them so they would not explore the enchanted forest?  It WAS an outlandish tale!

"Well, we don't know...maybe she....I suppose Mama could have..."

Evilyn had planted the seed of Doubt and pressed her advantage.  "Well, you are certainly pretty little girls.  You look just like your mother--such a beautiful little prankster as a child!  Always making up the most horrific stories to frighten the other children."  Evilyn laughed merrily.  "Why don't we all go inside and have a bite to eat.  I've cooked the most amazing dishes and it all looks so lovely on the table.  The aroma is delightful."

The twins were torn.  What should they do?

"Mother expects us home for lunch," said Arabella.  "We must fly."

"You don't have to eat if you don't want to, my pretties.  Just sit with us until Hansel and Gretel go home.  In fact, you can guide them!"

"Well, I want to eat," said Gretel.  "And frankly, I believe I'm much prettier than you two girls.  Hansel, what do you think?"

Hansel, who was quite taken with the fairy sisters, said, "I think all three of you are just beautiful.  Really!"

Evilyn led the children into the candy house.  Annalisa and Arabella hovered at the doorway, unsure what to do.  But then they smelled bacon and all was lost.   They flew inside and gasped at the splendor before them.  Stacks of golden pancakes.  Dishes of perfect raspberries.  Plates of aromatic bacon!  Sweet rolls.  Strawberries.  French toast!  They immediately sat down with Hansel and Gretel and dove into the fragrant repast before them.  Mama's lunch could never compare to this!

"This is all quite good," said Gretel with her mouth full.  She put a sweet roll into the pocket of her apron for later.

Suddenly, the most dreadful noise pierced the beauty of the morning.  Was it the screeching of metal?  What was happening?  Thick iron bars surrounded the little cottage.  There was no escape!  They were trapped.

Evilyn laughed and the twins began to scream.  Hansel ran to the open door and tried to move the bars.  Gretel ate another piece of bacon.