November 22, 1963

"Where were you when Kennedy was shot?"  For my generation that was the question for which we all knew the answer.  How could we ever forget?  The horror of that weekend was burned into our brains forever.

My good friend Jane had asked me to come up to Homecoming at Wesleyan.  I missed my old life so much that I jumped at the chance.  Of course, it would be different.  Linda and Bootsie had married; Anne had graduated and Kathy and Kris had left.

But I had been part of the Wesleyan family and I wanted to be part of it again if only for a weekend.  So I got on the Trailways bus and began the long, boring trip to Macon.  I got off the bus in Albany, GA, to get a Coke.

There was a strange, almost surreal atmosphere in the bus station.  People had gathered in small groups and I caught only snatches of their conversation.

"Yeah, shot through the head.  Twice I think.  Dallas."

"A motorcade.  They were all out in the open.  Secret Service was useless."

"Jackie tried to climb out the car at one point."

Jackie?

"Excuse me, what's happened?  Who was shot?"

A man stared at me.  "Why the President.  Kennedy.  I never did like him much," he said calmly.

"Is he alive?  Did he die?"

"Oh, yeah, just a little while ago."  I burst into tears.  "That S.O.B. Johnson gets to be President now."

 I walked away, still crying.  Something had broken inside me, that illusion of safety.  If someone could kill our President, then none of us was safe.  Anything could happen.  We were 

vulnerable.

I don't remember the weekend at Wesleyan at all except that everyone was in shock.  I must have ridden another bus back to Sarasota.  Lee Harvey Oswald.  Jack Ruby.  Nothing remains clear--it was a nightmare in slow motion.

I wondered if Caroline and John- John really understood  what had happened to their father.  They were so young, so small.  Thank God they could not know what lay ahead.

VENUS IN FURS in Nana's library

After nine days I was at last released from the hospital and taken at once to Nana's house to recover.  Nana had a big house and was always there so it made sense.  Nana was my dad's mother and was a devout Seventh Day Adventist.  Since my father was a devout atheist, Nana didn't say much about her religion when he was around but she loved to talk about it with me.  The golden streets of Heaven where only white Southerners resided.  The Lord sitting on a golden throne surrounded by winged angels playing golden harps. (Lots of gold in Heaven.)  Since I was confined to bed, I could not escape.  Sometimes Eva, Nana's sister-in-law, came over.  Dear Eva had a fine sense of the dramatic as she appeared at my bedroom door, hands crossed on her breasts and intoned,

"I have been speaking to God!"

I was dying to ask if God had answered, but I dared not. Aunt Eva had certainly piqued my interest.  There followed a long, rather fevered conversation between Nana and Eva which appeared to trash Yankees, Negroes, Jews, foreigners, Italians and the Holy Catholic Church which was the Whore of Babylon.  I felt the need to take issue with this characterization of the Church, now that I was old enough to know what "whore" meant. 

"Nana, Aunt Eva, since I AM a Catholic, I can't let you call the Church a --"

"Linda, do not say that word aloud.  My dear, you are but a child and you do not understand the evils of the world--the depravity, the decadence, the disgusting...."

"EVA!" cried Nana, laughing nervously. "Linda is recovering from surgery.  Perhaps now is not the time to....to discuss depravity."

Eva rose immediately, her face flushed and her eyes very bright indeed.  "Well, on to Maas Brothers then.  I need new foundation garments.  And a hairnet."

When the sisters of charity had driven away, I carefully got out of bed, poured myself a glass of iced tea and explored Nana's bookcase.  A thick layer of dust covered all the ancient tomes and I knew then that Nana and my step-grandfather were not big readers.  All the books looked boring, but then I saw a title I had heard of...It couldn't be....

Venus in Furs by Leopold Von Sacher-Masoch.  The man for whom masochism was named!  Good grief, how could this be?  Did Nana even know this book was here?  It must belong to Roy, her sweet little old husband who was in Kiwanis.  What would he be doing with a book about whips and bondage?  Of course, he was pretty submissive....I began to read.

OMG!

"Linda, I'm home.  Did you take a little nap while I was gone?" she trilled.

I was speechless.  I just sat there with the book in my hand.  "What are you reading, dear?"  Nana took the book from my hand and looked at it closely.

"This is a dirty book!  Where did you get this filth?"

"Out of your bookcase!"

We shall draw the curtain of charity over this

poignant little scene.

INSTEAD OF SCHOOL BOOKS, KIDNEY STONES

Sarasota Memorial Hospital

Lord have mercy, why did I feel so terrible?  And what was that strange bubbling sound?  It was so hard to open my eyes....but finally I did.  I saw a tube filled with hideous green bubbly stuff coming out of my nose and snaking across the bed.  Where did it end?  I couldn't see.  I couldn't seem to move.

"Well, hey, sweet thing, you finally woke up, huh?  You been laying there gurgling and snorting for a long time with that green stuff coming out of your belly.  Damn near made me upchuck."

Some strange woman was smiling at me from the bed across the room.

"We thought you was gonna sleep for a hundred years like Sleeping Beauty"

Then I heard a strange muffled voice.  I slowly turned my eyes toward the voice and saw someone sitting up in bed with her entire head swathed in bandages except for her eyes and a little hole where her mouth was.  I had no idea what she had said.

"I'm sorry; I didn't understand what you said."  My voice was hoarse, like the voice of the devil in The Exorcist.

"She said but you ain't no beauty."  This hilarious remark was greeted by laughter from all three of my roommates.  There was a young girl in the bed next to me.  It all came back to me then.  The hospital....kidney stones....surgery.....lots of pain.  Lots of pain.

And on that cheerful note, in strode my urologist.  "How are you feeling, Linda?" he said, flipping through papers on his clipboard.  I gave him A Look.  "Well, like I told you--the first five days you feel like you're going to die.  The next five days you're afraid you won't."  Everyone laughed heartily.  I  managed a grim smile.

"Is it time for a pain shot?" I said, hopefully.

"That's my girl--you haven't lost your sense of humor!"

"Yes, I have.  Really, can I have something for pain?"

"I think you have about another half hour to wait before we can...."  I grabbed his arm hard.

"I want a shot now!  I'm in pain!  Now!"  

Flustered, the doctor mumbled something and hurriedly left the room.  My roommates were strangely silent.  I lay there trying not to cry until a nurse rushed into the room carrying a needle.  An angel of mercy.  She gave me the shot and gently adjusted the sheets.  She smiled.

"You'll begin to feel better very soon, I promise," she said in a soft voice.  "Very soon."

"I can't go back to school now.  I would have been a senior this year.   I'm a Green Knight.  I won't be there when our last year starts...."  The tears came then.

The nurse gently pushed my hair back and gave me a Kleenex.  "You'll go back some day."

"I don't think I will."  I remembered Sunday dinners with the sunlight streaming in the windows of the dining room.  All of us in our Sunday best and singing the blessing...  Praise God from whom all blessings flow...

I closed my eyes and let myself remember.

WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?

Already exhausted, Jim and I trudged over to the bus, climbed on and found a seat.  Jim had bags under his eyes and I hoped he would be able to sleep all the way to Florida, but it was not to be.  About twenty minutes into the trip, I noticed the bus was on fire and flames were shooting out from under the hood. Panic ensued.  People started screaming and running up and down the aisle, but Jim and I just sat there with glazed eyes, unable to take it in.

The surreal scene had the feeling of a nightmare and we couldn't wake up.  People were scrambling to get off the bus; some girls were crying.  I remember noise and smoke and confusion.  There must have been firetrucks; someone must have gotten all the luggage off the bus; I can't remember.  Jim looked terrified.  I tried to reassure him; God knows what I said.  Eventually, another bus came out from the City and we all piled in.  I prayed for peace and quiet and no more disasters.

Over the next two days Jim and I changed buses eleven times and I've never known why.  There was no schedule.  When the bus stopped, Jim and I would show our tickets to someone who would put us on a bus going south.  Twice we walked alone at night, carrying our luggage, to another bus station.  From Greyhound to Trailways and back to Greyhound. We never knew where we were or what time it was.  We slept fitfully and I remember eating a meal only once.  We kept going south.  Jim told me much later that he never went to the bathroom once; the restrooms were too horrible.  I went to the Ladies room constantly (peeing orange) but I tried not to touch anything.

 At last, we arrived in Tampa and were told there was no bus to Sarasota until the next morning.  I called our father who came and picked us up. Neither Jim nor I have ever gotten over that trip.  All his life, I had tried to protect him and never could.  Our family had fallen apart; even the small shelter our parents had provided was gone.  It was many years before I began to feel safe.  I am not sure Jim ever has.

LEAVING THE BOARDWALK

I was determined to take Jim home to Florida as soon as possible, but Fate intervened as it so often does.  I hadn't been feeling well and I had a pain in my side, especially when I ran.  One night soon after our trip to the park with Jim, I felt so bad that Joy called an ambulance to take me to the hospital.  The ambulance guys were pretty casual about it all and rushed to the nearest hospital at a speed approaching 45 m.p.h.  None of the doctors in the ER looked like George Clooney, but they did seem quite cheerful.

"Well, little lady, I don't think it's your appendix.  What do you think,Manny?"

"Nah, it's not her appendix.  Does it hurt when you pee, Sweetheart?  You know like burn?

"Yes, but there's this pain..."  The doctors were giving each other A Look.

"Are you sexually active, Miss?  Got a boyfriend?"  Manny looked quite severe.

"No!" I said, shocked.  "I'm not having sex."

"Good, don't have any until you're married."

"What about this pain?  What could be causing this sharp pain?  I'm worried."

"I'm going to give you a prescription, Honey.  I think you just have a little bladder infection.  You agree, Manny?

"Oh, yeah, what else could it be?" said the ever scientific Manny, who began to chuckle. "Now don't get scared, but this stuff makes you pee orange."  Both doctors, if that's what they were, began to laugh heartily at this witty remark.  I however was not amused.  And I still had this pain....

My kidneys were full of stones and serious surgery was in my near future.  But I knew none of this until later.  I appeared at my mother's apartment and said I was taking Jim back to Florida.  She started to protest, but then said nothing.  We packed his few things and went to the bus station where we began the trip from Hell. And I peed orange all the way to Sarasota.

ON THE BOARDWALK

The summer of '63 dragged on with the intolerable heat sapping our energy.  Joy and I made the best of it.  We saw Joan Baez and Ella Fitzgerald in concert.  Bob Dylan made a brief appearance at Joan's concert which caused a rapturous response from everyone there.  We went to see Beyond the Fringe and Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf on Broadway--two plays that couldn't have been more different.

Dudley Moore burst on the scene in Beyond the Fringe.

Two friends from Wesleyan, both named Susan, visited us for a weekend.  I remember having a wonderful time and I think we sneaked into the Joan Baez concert, but time has blurred the memories.  Or maybe the fact that alcohol was consumed has blurred those summer memories from long ago.

Every week on my day off I made the long trip to where my mother and little brother were staying and then took Jim into New York City for lunch.  Jim didn't say much and he had a pinched, anxious look.  He had been snatched away from his home and family by my mother for reasons that were never made clear.  Every day he was left alone in their small apartment while my mother went to work.  He had no friends, no books or toys and nothing to do all day.

Jim was just a little boy and he had no idea why he was suddenly living in New York.  I thanked God every day that I was nearby that summer and that he could turn to me for companionship.  Joy went with me on one visit and spent the day with us.  We took Jim to the park and while he was on the swings Joy said to me she thought he was very depressed.  When it was time to go home, Jim refused to leave the park and I knew then how desperately unhappy he must be.  I would have to take him back to Florida.  If I had known then what actually happened that summer, I would have taken him home that day.

To Be Continued

THE WEDDING OF SNOW WHITE

Snow White and the Huntsman

"So the Huntsman has returned," said the Fairy Queen to Snow White, who blushed deeply.

"Yes, Geoffrey was gone a year.  His wife died from the plague and his son was very weak after he recovered and so they went to stay with Geoffrey's mother in a far away village and slowly the boy regained his health.  Then they began the long journey home and found their cottage had burned to the ground.  But our little friends who cared for me for two years welcomed them and allowed them to stay in the little cottage where I had lived.  Anselm told them that I was now Queen and so Geoffrey came to see me and found me in the palace garden."

"And you began to spend time together..." said the Queen.  "And the Huntsman said he loved you...."

"Yes!  And I have loved him for so long....." said Snow White.

"And now you are to be married," said the Queen, smiling.

"Yes, and I want your daughters to attend me and Anselm will give me away.  And I want to be married in the forest at the home of the little men.  I am so happy!"

  

Caleb, the Huntsman's Son

The afternoon of the wedding was bright and clear and filled with birdsong and dappled sunshine.  A long table under the trees was set with so many vases of spring flowers that their scent filled the soft air.  The wedding cake was the most beautiful anyone had ever seen.  As the little men played the fiddle and the flute, the fairy twins floated down the path in matching gowns followed by their little brother, Arthur, the ring bearer and the Huntsman's son, Caleb.  Geoffrey, looking very handsome, entered from the forest and held out his hand for his bride, the radiant Snow White, who walked slowly down the path on the arm of Anselm.  As the bridal couple stood together, the Fairy Queen, joined their hands and began the wedding ceremony.

When Snow White and Geoffrey were at last husband and wife, a collective sigh rose from the assembled company of friends.  When the bride and groom kissed, all who were there on that happy day thought it was about time.  Hours of dancing and feasting followed until the sun set and the moon rose.  Never in all of time had their been such a joyous wedding.  As night fell the guests danced by the light of the moon and thousands of fireflies--the wedding gift of the fairy bridesmaids.

Before the revelry ended Geoffrey and Snow White had slipped away into the forest to a lovely secret place where they would celebrate their long awaited honeymoon.




All photographs were taken by Elizabeth Messina for Faerie
Magazine.

ASBURY PARK - SUMMER OF '63

It was the best of times.  It was the worst of times.  It was 1963.

My friend Joy and I had decided to waitress in Asbury Park, NJ, that summer.  We hoped to have an adventure and make a great deal of money.  Having heard that folks with big old houses they could no longer afford rented out their top floors to college students during the summer hoping to make enough money to heat those houses in the winter, we soon found a pleasant lady who rented us a huge hot bedroom on the third floor for $30 a week which Joy and I would split.  Then we found waitress jobs in restaurants on the famous Boardwalk.

                        

All day we lay around in our unbearably hot room in our underwear reading library books.  We had no money, no TV, no phone, no radio, no car and  personal computers were still in the distant future.  Later in the afternoon we pulled onto our  sweaty bodies the required girdles, stockings and slips.  "No one wants to see jiggling buttocks!" we had been told.  The truth was that half the population wanted to see jiggling buttocks, but we denied them that pleasure.  Our outfits were completed by donning extremely unattractive white uniforms and white shoes.  Joy and I now looked like heavily perspiring nurses as we trudged along the steaming sidewalks to our respective jobs.  Every afternoon we passed a huge sign in front of a club advertising their headliners--a gentleman and his wife who was only 18 inches tall.  We wondered aloud what their act consisted of and how did they have sex?  Neither Joy nor I had as yet done the dark deed, but we knew that such a size differential would make things....uh....difficult.

At work the hours crept by.  The large amounts of money I had counted on making never materialized, mostly because as a waitress I was incredibly inept.  I was slow; I couldn't carry the heavy trays; I was too young to serve drinks; I got panicky in the hot crowded kitchen and couldn't find my orders.  Worst of all, I did not have a line of snappy patter for the customers.  I felt overwhelmed all the time.  I prayed for my shift to end.

What saved us that summer was the music and the invention of the Sixties' Coffeehouse.  Music of social consciousness was big.  Joan Baez and her guest Bob Dylan came to Asbury Park and sang to a hugely appreciative crowd.  Jazz was hot and Dave Brubeck's Take Five was played every night at the coffeehouse where Joy and I sat at tiny tables eating delicate sandwiches and drinking cup after cup of coffee.  The crowd was hip and conversation was fascinating.  Best of all, the place was air conditioned.  A new young singer had appeared in New York and was beginning to make a name for herself--Barbara Streisand.  In a couple of years she would take Broadway by storm in Funny Girl.  Who knew?

To Be Continued

THE RULE OF SNOW WHITE

It had been a year since young Snow White took the throne and began to rule her kingdom with strength and kindness.  Led by the fairy sisters to the side garden of her childhood home twelve long months ago, Snow White had seen immediately that the palace had been restored to its former beauty.  Spring had arrived and with it had come thousands of fragrant flowers blooming in the gardens surrounding the castle.  Snow White had been moved to tears as she climbed the stone steps to the inner garden.

She turned to the fairies hovering near her shoulders.

"You did all this, didn't you?"

"Would that we had," cried the twins.  "But the palace began to change on its own a few days ago.  The path through the woods was slowly covered with purple flowers.  As the flowers reached the castle, the weeds and vines covering every room began to melt away.  The cracked and faded walls began to glow and every room was made new!"

Arabella gently touched Snow White's cheek.   "The palace soon looked as it did when your dear mother was alive."

"And I miss her still," said Snow White quietly.  "And dear Father as well."

Snow White had been crowned in the Cathedral the following week.  Of course, the seven little men were there and the Fairy royalty.  All of Snow White's friends attended (save one).  The church was full to overflowing with happy villagers.

Anselm and his friends had agreed to take turns staying at the palace to advise the new queen until she no longer needed them.  And she in turn was welcome to visit them in the forest whenever the royal burden became too heavy.

"Thank you, my friends," said the young Queen.  "I shall remember your kindness to me forever.  I do not think I could do this without your advice and support."

"I shall stay first," said Anselm with a gentle smile.

"I want to show you something," said the Fairy Queen "that no one but you may know about, my dear."

Together the two Queens climbed down many stairs deep into the nether regions of the palace.  They journeyed down a dim, twisting

corridor until they reached a stout wooden door which the Fairy Queen opened.

"It leads directly to the Fairy realm and our palace is nearby.

If you ever need us...."

Snow White smiled.  "I know I will.  Thank you."

And now a whole year had passed and Snow White was happy

except.......

Snow White liked to wander in the garden near her private chapel where she often went to find peace.  As she strolled among the trees, Snow White heard a voice, deep and resonant,

say, "Your Majesty..."  Her heart skipped a beat.

Smiling, Snow White turned and saw the Huntsman.

All photographs except for the Medieval painting are from Faerie Magazine.

SNOW WHITE BECOMES QUEEN

Snow White was looking out the window of the little guest house where she had been so happy for so long.  She was rapidly recovering from the plague, but she still felt a bit weak and tired.  The fairy twins has visited her that very day with momentous news.  Her stepmother, the Queen, was dead and no one mourned her, but her father, the King, had also died, leaving the kingdom without a ruler. As the King's only child, Snow White must take the crown and rule with a firm hand or civil war might break out and devastate the land.  The young princess has never wanted to rule, but now she feels she has no choice.  The fairy sisters have flown to the castle to make ready with the few servants who are left and to see if they can find a horse for Snow White.

 Since she cannot sleep, the princess goes outside to walk in the moonlight.  How could she bear to leave her friends behind when they had saved her life and shown her such kindness?  And how would she ever restore the palace to its former beauty when it was covered with vines and trees were growing inside its walls?  Nature had overcome the castle and Snow White was no match for its force.  She walked for hours until she reached the long road leading to her former home.

       Snow White knew she could not rule without help, but perhaps her fairy friends could use their powerful magic to assist her!  The seven little men could use their wisdom to advise her!  Those servants who had remained in the palace would support her reign; she had never doubted their loyalty.  And the Huntsman could....but she immediately banished the thought of him from her mind as she knew he would never leave his wife who was so ill.

But she gradually became aware of the strength that had always been within her and the sense of purpose that was newly born.  A powerful feeling of optimism warmed her spirit, a sense that she could overcome adversity and create a new kind of kingdom, the fresh new world she had dreamt about since childhood.

And before her eyes the road ahead began to change and grow green with promise.

                                

SUMMER OF 1963

Before I knew what was happening the school year was over at Wesleyan and I left campus not knowing if I would return for my last year.  In the brief space of three days I was Maid of Honor for two radiant brides in creamy white, my two close friends, Linda and Bootsie, who moved away with their new husbands.  I didn't know if I would ever see them again.  (Of course I did.)  Both weddings are a blur of music, flowers, beautiful dresses and happy people.  I had trouble speaking because I was plagued by one of my infamous throat infections.

As I stood next to each lovely bride, it did not escape me that I didn't even have a boyfriend.  I had never had a serious relationship.  I wasn't sure what my fatal flaw was but I knew I had one.

I also realized with sickening clarity that I didn't have the courage to try and become a real actress.  I was too scared of rejection and uncertainty.  I wanted and needed security and there was none in my life.

That night I boarded a train to the unknown. I was going to waitress in Asbury Park for the summer and I had absolutely no idea what would come next.  I could return to the warm cocoon of Wesleyan and finish my degree even though  the people who meant the most to me would not be there.  What else was there for me?  I felt completely unmoored as the train hurtled through the darkness.

SNOW WHITE RECOVERS FROM THE PLAGUE

Snow White was underwater...she was drowning...she could not breathe and she was hot, very hot.  She could hear voices, but they were very far away.

She was back home in

the castle, but there

were bars on the window.  Was she being imprisoned?  And where was her father, the King?  But wait, he was very ill....he had gone away and left her.  Snow White was now flying through the air outside the castle which was blurry and somehow frightening...

Then she heard voices...

"Will she begin to recover

now?  Her fever has broken."

"Yes, soon the plague will leave her, but she will be very weak for days.  You must try to get her to eat and drink."

"Yes, your Grace, we will nurture her back to health.

Thank you, thank you!"

  

Snow White realized the bars on the window were gone.  She was free!  With great effort she opened her eyes and saw the Fairy Queen flying away.  And the seven little men stood around her bed, smiling at her.

"The Queen of the Fairies cured you with her magic," said Anselm.

"The last thing I remember is falling asleep riding through the dark forest with our friend, the Huntsman.  Where is he?"

"Our friend, the Huntsman, was very ill until the Fairy Queen saved him.  While he was sick, word came that his wife had also contracted the plague.  Although he was weak, he insisted on mounting his horse and riding home.  We have heard nothing since, my child."

"He brought me here so my life could be saved.  I...I shall miss him."

SNOW WHITE FALLS ILL

 Snow White looked back at the overgrown castle and wondered if she would ever see it again.  If she became Queen, how would she restore the palace?  Would any of her people still be alive or would the plague take them all?

Snow White was filled with an unbearable sadness as she and the Huntsman rode deeper into the forest toward home.  The world of her happy childhood was gone forever; it lived on only in her memory.        
     
                 

Her tired mind began to wander.  She felt so hot! She saw her fairy friends floating in the sky; it was Winter now.  Snow White floated through the sky with the fairies as the snow drifted about them. She called out to the sisters, but they didn't seem to hear her. The snow...the snow did not cool her.  She drifted away into the blackness of the night...so hot

"Snow White fell ill on the long journey through the woods," said the Huntsman to the seven little men who clustered about her bed. "She grew fevered and cried out in her sleep. When I touched her face, I knew she had caught the plague from her poor father who is gone. I am so very tired myself...I think I will sit down for a while and rest before I go home."

The Huntsman collapsed into a chair and drank the cold water the leader of the little men gave him.  He could not recall his name...

The little men looked gravely at one another. The Huntsman had fallen ill as well.  They knew their simple herbs and potions could not heal their beloved Snow White and the Huntsman
The must send for the Fairy Queen!

 

"I am here, my friends and my magic is very powerful.  I will cure both of them.  Let us get to work."